5 Things I use my PhD for

Lots of websites now employ list-based articles to attract web surfers, dossing from work, study, and responsibility, keeping them minimally entertained for a few minutes using an equal ratio of stock images and observations which flit from the achingly cringey to the conciliatory whimsical.

This is one of those, or at least it subscribes to the genre without trying to be funny. But it will inevitably be funny because it is so innately tragic.

Behold, my life since my PhD graduation summed up five quasi-humorous bullet points:

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Ever wonder what graduates use those pricey post-nominal letters for? Well, wonder no further friends! Discover the true rewards of completing a PhD.

1. Online shopping

After trawling through the dregs of the ASOS sale section and emerging with a €7 top that has a lifespan of three washes, I thrill at the prospect of submitting my order under the title of 'Dr.' This is not just for the chance of receiving post, or post that is addressed to me (now a fake doctor!) but that those who come into contact with said discounted package - customer service rep; warehouse exec; postman; my neighbour who puts my post away - imagine this recipient as a high-achieving successful go-getter who has her life in order. Either that or a narcissist who feels that a clothing company needs to know about her Level 10.

2. Ordering holiday brochures

See above for the immeasurably satisfying satisfaction, with the enviable result of swapping research methodology texts for glossy ads for trips you can't afford while getting papercuts. Although, it is essential to exercise caution as actually booking a holiday / flight using this prefix may result in some serious awky mo mos should a serious medical emergency occur. Unless you have a PhD in a useful field like Medicine.

The same rationale can also be applied to low-impact items such as loyalty card schemes, catalogues, and information booklets. One may even have a friend who could indulge and send paper-based communication to your doctor self. They're good friends.

3. Justifying the lack of a career path

This gem has a lot to thank the recession for, but can also be meted out when jobs are a-plenty. This is because, as a PhD graduate, you have spent the guts of ten years in college, broke and hungry, and so when you do enter employment you want it to be meaningful, reflective of your efforts and expertise, and preferably with a cheque more substantial than your old research allowance. But really you just want a job that exists because none does or likely ever will. Keep looking!

4. Multiple celebrations

A PhD is an anti-climax in many regards but when you look forward to submitting and celebrating you instantly realise that there isn't really a reason to celebrate, not until you successfully defend the thesis. But you celebrate anyway. Upon a successful viva, you then realise corrections need to be made and that you will have a proper knees-up then. But you celebrate anyway. Once corrections are in and approved you can graduate and have the mother of all parties to mark the occassion. But you haven't got a job so can't afford one yet. But you celebrate anyway, When you do, there'll be some celebrating done. Until you realise you have work the next day. Que anticlimax.

5. Adding gravitas to a debate

Not likely one that you will have chosen yourself but an inevitable consequence of spending most of your adult life so far educating yourself above most people you know without actually knowing any more than them. That being said, they don't know this and so your opinion is usually sought for manys an argument, be it a family kerfuffle or the 411 on the latest [insert Irish social institution] scandal. Although your every word may be hung on, it only leaves your more mentally disemboweled as you realise that your intelligence level is static and the only great conclusion your studies will have brought you to is that you know nothing.